1. Language barriers
2. Differences in Values & Culture (including religion)
3. Differences in Politics
4. Differences in Communication Styles
5. Legal complications (visa’s, marriage certificates, and childrens’ nationalities)
We want to hear from you!
Tell us about your intercultural family: expatsinemotion@gmail.com
Welcome back from the summer, fellow-expatriates! In the midst of the chaos of getting your children prepared to go back to school, consider these tips in order to ease the transition into the start of a new school year!
1- Organize.
Make sure schedules, school supplies, and activities are organized in advance in order to ease the transition into the new school year for you and your children. If you can, visit the school ahead of time to meet your child’s teacher to get an idea of how the school looks, smells, etc. By being prepared, you can save your child (and you!) a lot of anxiety & stress on his/her first day (especially if he/she is attending a new school)!
2- Connect.
Try to connect with your child’s (new) classmates before the first day of school by having a play-date, meeting for lunch, etc. so that your child will be able to recognize a familiar face in the midst of many new strangers (and you will have the support of a fellow parent when you drop your kids off at school).
3- Practice.
Get into the daily routine ahead of time so that waking up at 6am isn’t a complete shock to your child’s system (especially if you’ve all gotten used to sleeping in until 9am during the summer)!
4- Limit.
The summer holidays are great for kids because they get to play outside, watch movies, stay up late, etc., but back to school means “back to reality” and be sure to set limits on your child’s playtime hours because soon he/she will have more serious activities to complete (i.e., homework, Dutch lessons, piano lessons, etc.). One way to do this is to slowly introduce reading-time/puzzle-time, etc. into the daily routine a few weeks before the school session begins.
5- Keep Quality Time in Check.
Finally, while on holiday your children may have gotten used to spending lots of extra time with you over the summer. Although the back to school schedule will be hectic for everyone (you’ll have to juggle school, after-school activities, and your own work & social life!), be sure to designate some time every day to spend quality-time together, which is so important for your child’s social and emotional development, and is critical for your parent-child relationship.
These 5 tips will help you & your children jump into the new school year as easily as possible! If you have any further concerns about this transition process, or think you might need further assistance with your child, do not hesitate to contact me.
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Kate Berger, MSc, offers emotional health services for expatriate children and adolescents in the Amsterdam area through her practice, the Expat Kids Club. For more information see: http://expatkids.weebly.com
Being an expectant expat family will certainly have its up’s and down’s. If you are already a mother, adding a new addition to your family will also bring its challenges. Whether this will be your family’s second or fifth baby, you can expect it to add yet another dimension to your already unique experience living abroad, for both you and your other children.
As a pregnant mother, you may be feeling anxious, nervous, and excited; expectant fathers may be ready to go with a list of phone numbers and other tasks they will have to take on while mothers are recovering from childbirth. Your kids, too, will have their own preconceived notions of how their lives will change. For each member of the family there are many uncertainties.
One thing you can be sure of, having a new baby will be a disruption to your family’s entire routine. For children especially, routines and regularity are critical for the development of self-confidence and assuredness, as it allows them the freedom to develop mentally, socially, and physically. The disruption of routines means that you will need to be prepared, and will need a plan for how to handle a new addition to the family as he/she shakes things up. To do this – first and foremost – consider how your children could be feeling about having a new sibling.
Here are five important tips to consider throughout the entire pregnancy (and these tips go for fathers as well):
1. Eliminate uncertainty
Your kids will benefit from age-appropriate explanations of what it means to be pregnant. The “birds and the bees” talk can work for older kids; something more abstract (a stork?) can be used with younger kids. Explain what it will mean for your family to have another baby – what sorts of emotions are involved? Give your children a chance to ask questions, and to express their feelings about it. This can be an on-going discussion.
Many kids who are confused, uncertain, and unable to express their emotions will often act out and show sudden, undesirable behavioral changes. Watch out for this, as this is a key indicator that you and your kids need to talk more.
2. Visualize.
Children have vast imaginations, so when it comes to confusing topics such as their mommy having a baby, it is helpful to give them visual examples in order to understand better. Pointing out babies when you see them out and about or showing pictures of babies in books can give your kids a sense of what your baby will be like. Explain to them what Mommy will look like during the pregnancy, and how she will feel. Also be sure to talk about where the baby will live. It may be helpful to set up the crib and/or babyroom together with your children. You may also want to give your kids an idea about what the baby will eat, explaining bottle or breastfeeding and then further, baby-food. Be creative with your explanations and make them fun. For example, you can have a baby-food night so that your child gets a real idea of what foods the baby will eat.
Some children may experience disappointment and sadness when things turn out differently than how they had imagined. You do not want this to be the case when it comes to having a new sibling, so be sure to come up with efficient visualization cues to keep their imaginations as close to reality as possible.
3. Include them
Allow your kids to feel included in the entire process so that they have a sense of purpose and belonging within the entire family unit. Give them a task whether it is hanging up pictures in the baby’s room, or helping shop for diapers. Consider role-playing games so that your child gets an understanding of how the family will work together to help out with the baby– let Sammy pretend to be the “mother” while you are the “baby.”
By including your children in the process, they will feel that they have a unique role in the family structure that no one else can replace. This is critical in order to prevent jealousy which is really just a feeling that can occur when a sibling feels insecure and insufficient in their placement within the family. If you notice that your kids are acting seemingly jealous, address this by discussing it with them and helping them understand where their feelings comes from. Acknowledging their experience can go a long way.
4. Remind them of love
Because your children may be feeling insecure about the upcoming new arrival, remind them of how special they are to you. You can do this not only with words, but by making special quality time to spend alone with each individual child. Once the baby comes and you are consumed with feeding, sleeping and diaper-changing, it is especially important to take some time be alone with your other children. Hire a babysitter (even if only for an hour), or ask a family member to help out so that you and your kids can go do something together that they really enjoy. Especially since you are an expat-family that likely has stuck together through thick and thin, your children will need your support and time during this additional family-transition.
Children may show behavioral signs that they are feeling insecure about their love from parents. Withdrawal and/or attention-seeking are big signals that something is going on. Be sure to address this (and any other signs you pick up on). Remember to listen to your childrens’ feelings, and be open to suggestions from them, no matter how young they are! You may be surprised how spot-on they can be!
5. Keep the norm
When it comes to having a new sibling most children will have an array of feelings, both positive and negative. Expat-kids may have even more emotions involved, as they still have to deal with living in their non-native country on top of everything else! Remember that no matter what feelings your children express, they are real. Validate them, and determine how and when to appropriately tackle unwanted behaviors resulting from their feelings. Do not throw out all of your disciplining tactics simply because it is a hard time for the kids. And even more importantly, as much as possible, keep to your routine.
Remember that having a new baby is a wonderful and exciting time to enjoy as much as possible with the entire family. If you notice that your children are really struggling with their new sibling (before and after the arrival), and/or are giving you a harder time than you can handle right now, you may want to think about seeking professional support.
Finally, to accompany this article we’d like to ask readers if you’d like to share a photo of you and your expat family. If so, please forward a picture to us at expatsinemotion@gmail.com and we’ll put it up on this page!
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Kate Berger, MSc, offers emotional health services for expatriate children and adolescents in the Amsterdam area through her practice, the Expat Kids Club. For more information see: http://expatkids.weebly.com
This month Expats in (E)motion had the pleasure of interviewing a fellow expat about her experience learning Dutch.
Lizzy from Texas, USA moved to the Netherlands in 2008 to live with her Dutch boyfriend. She is the author of the expat blog: LizzyGoesDutch and writes of her kitchen related adventures in Holland, including delicious vegetarian recipes.
1. Lizzy, how long have you been living in Holland and how long do you intend to stay?
I’ve lived here for about 2 years and I intend to stay at least 3 more.
2. What was your motivation for learning Dutch?
I have many. My boyfriend is Dutch and several of the older people in his family, including his parents, speak very little English. I really need to learn the language so I can get to know them better. After half a year of lessons, this is going much better already.
Also, despite their extremely warm welcome, family functions used to make me feel like an outsider and a burden. Everything had to be translated for me, which meant that I could never really take part in any meaningful conversations and I couldn’t speak to the children. I felt like I needed to cling to my boyfriend’s side at all times to avoid the inevitable awkward silences. This frustrating experience would leave me feeling extremely out of place and lonely. To be honest, I felt like I had lost my ability to interact with others. I felt like his family would never get to know the real me. Instead of being fun and joyful, family gatherings were often extremely stressful and exhausting for both of us.
Other expats who don’t yet speak the language will probably understand that feeling you get when you just walk through the streets here. Constantly hearing and seeing things you don’t understand. Eventually, you just kind of zone out. I hated that feeling. I wanted to be able to do normal things, such as shopping and giving someone directions on the street. I wanted to be able to watch the news, go to a Dutch movie and even listen in on people’s conversations around me.
One more reason is my future. My children will probably speak Dutch and perhaps someday I’d like to go to school or get a job here. I no longer want to be limited by my language.
3. Did you take private our group classes?
I take group classes, the ones that are paid for by the gemeente Amsterdam. There are probably better options available if you can afford them, but this is free and you get really great textbooks with a wonderful practice CD.
4. How long did it take you to feel comfortable speaking Dutch?
I am still getting there. I take it little steps at a time, like trying to order something at the market or making small talk with the neighbour. It’s hard to practice when Dutch people automatically speak English to you the second they realize you’re not a native. You just have to ask them kindly if they’ll let you practice on them. Usually they find it really impressive anyway! Every success I have, as tiny as it may be, leaves me excited, proud and wanting more.
5. Do you consider yourself fluent?
Definitely not. I have a long way to go, but it’s progressing so much faster than I expected.
6. What were some of the obstacles you faced while learning Dutch?
It happens a lot that I think I have something down, particularly with grammar, and then I find out there are a million exceptions to the rule. It can be very frustrating and make me feel like learning Dutch is impossible.
The fact that nouns are either “de” or “het” words, and that you must know this in order to have correct grammar, is very daunting. That’s a lot of memorizing!
Several words are extremely close to one another in the way that they are pronounced. I often can’t even hear the difference myself, but to a Dutch person they sound completely different. There are some sounds that I thought I could never make with my mouth.
7. How did you overcome these obstacles?
Practice! For me, a lot of learning Dutch is about memorizing rules and lists of words, but after a while I’ve started to develop more of a feeling for the language. I think that comes from a lot of practice. I do a whole lot of reading and I try to speak in Dutch almost any chance I get. Over time, I’ve begun to develop a sense of how things are phrased and how certain words are used. I also get to know if I’m pronouncing things right because someone will either correct me or they won’t understand me at all! I can clearly say words now that I couldn’t pronounce at all 6 months ago. Practice really does make perfect.
8. What are some of the benefits you experienced by learning the language?
Even after only learning very basic Dutch, I feel a million times more confident and I have such a greater sense of belonging. I feel a lot happier too. I remember when I understood my first joke in Dutch. I laughed awkwardly loud, but I was just so excited!
I feel like I can get around on my own now without having that constant fear that I won’t understand something. When people talk to me on the street, I no longer have to give them that blank stare. I don’t need an English menu at restaurants, I can read instructions on packages, and the best thing of all is that I can usually understand what my boyfriend’s parents are talking about. Hey, they’re quite funny! Who knew?
9. Do you have any advice for our readers regarding learning Dutch?
It’s easy to feel overwhelmed and intimidated by the language. Just take it a step at a time. You don’t have to get it perfect right away. It doesn’t have to be all or nothing. Hey, Dutch people will be impressed just that you’re trying and you’ll be impressed by yourself!
Take every opportunity you can to practice speaking, even if it’s embarrassing. If someone speaks English back to you, just continue in Dutch.
Read Dutch children’s books and watch Dutch TV with the subtitles on. Something easy, like cartoons, is good. You can read along and pick words out here and there that you understand. I also like to watch movies in English with the Dutch subtitles on. These are all great ways to practice.
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Debby Poort, Registered Integrative Therapist, is founder of Yellow Wood Integrative Psychotherapy Practice. Yellow Wood offers therapy and counseling for expat adults in Amsterdam and Amstelveen. For more information check: http://www.yellowwood.nl
While you parents are busy trying to decide if it is worthwhile to sign up for that Dutch course, your kids will probably be absorbing the language. In fact they may even be speaking it faster than the time it takes you to make your decision to learn or not to learn the language!
Children have the innate ability to pick up languages very quickly, much quicker than adults. There are two main reasons for this being, 1) kids don’t have the sound and contextual associations with words that we adults do – they don’t understand words in the context of other words (i.e., “watering can” is related to “plants”), making it easier for them to pronounce new sounds and words, and 2) children are more likely to try to speak another language – even with mistakes – because they lack complex social anxieties, are less embarrassed by their pronunciation/grammatical errors than adults tend to be.
Kids are like little sponges. They can absorb and pick up languages from their environment through listening to their peers, reading Dutch (picture) books, and even watching TV. By using body-language and sound fluctuations as tools, children can tune into the non-verbal communication with the objective not to learn Dutch, but rather to understand the story-line of a television program; to understand what Marit (the classmate with the “cool” purple dress) is saying on the playground, etc. They do not experience the same pressure (at least initially) that adults do to speak at a certain level (for example, to write a business letter in Dutch for work; to attend a graduate course; or to pass the IND’s integration exam).
That said, it is very likely that right now your expat-children are learning Dutch whether you intended them to or not. And for the most part, there are only benefits from this. Your child will be able to communicate easier in the Netherlands, they will have a leg-up when it comes to making Dutch friends, and they may even be able to clue you in at times when you don’t understand what is going on!
In addition, there are numerous studies supporting the fact that multi-lingual children develop a greater vocabulary thus also enhancing their native-language repertoire. Plus they may even score higher on standardized tests than children who speak only one language. Furthermore, kids who grow up speaking more than one language grow up to have job opportunities available to them in multiple locations—a true asset in today’s increasingly international economy and work environment.
Despite the fact that children tend to pick up new languages with ease, don’t forget that your kids may be having a difficult time fully adjusting to speaking Dutch and that language acquisition, even among very young children, does take time. It can be emotionally exhausting trying to communicate in their non-native language, and on top of that, expat-kids have can hav
e further difficulties just adjusting to their non-native lifestyle. Therefore, they may have some emotions and frustrations to express.
If your children are having an especially difficult time with the language, or seem frustrated by suddenly having to communicate in their non-native language, try to remember that things like emotions and expressing frustrations/difficulties are usually more easily expressed in one’s native tongue. The same holds true for kids. Allow your children to speak in their native language whenever they feel comfortable doing so, especially when it comes to their feelings and emotions. If they are enthusiastic about learning Dutch, be open to it (even if you are not so sure you will ever learn it!). By supporting your children they will not only develop confidence to speak a new language, but also to try new things in other areas of their lives.
Take note that some expat-families may keep their lifestyle quite separate from Dutch society and culture. Therefore, if your children are NOT exposed to the Dutch language, you need not worry if they aren’t learning it. After all, it would be strange to pick up a language without being exposed to it.
However, if your children are exposed to Dutch and you feel that they are having difficulty learning it, and this is not due to a social-emotional disturbance, take into consideration that things like learning disabilities and/or hearing problems could be a reason. Talk with your child’s teacher(s) to find out if other areas of intellectual processing are affected.
If you feel that your children’s language difficulties stem from more social or emotional sources having to do with what they are going through, bear in mind that there will likely be some other red flags that you’ve noticed such as behavioral issues, withdrawal, etc. If this is the case, you may want to seek professional support in order to allow your child to overcome the difficulties he/she is facing.
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Kate Berger, MSc, offers emotional health services for expatriate children and adolescents in the Amsterdam area through her practice, the Expat Kids Club. In addition to individual sessions, the Expat Kids Club’s group sessions offer a great way for kids to communicate feelings and emotions with their peers, in their native language. For more information see: http://expatkids.weebly.com
Recently I led a talk for the American Women’s Club of Amsterdam about transitioning to life in The Netherlands. One topic discussed within the group was whether or not learning Dutch is important or even necessary to have a positive experience while living here.
While there are many advantages to learning the language of your host country, the question remains: If you speak English, even as a second language, is learning Dutch practical or even beneficial for the average expat?
Below are five questions designed to help you answer this question for yourself:
2. Is your goal to make Dutch friends or are you happy within the expat community?
In a perfect world it would be great to be able to quickly learn Dutch and immerse yourself completely within Dutch society, including making Dutch friends. Nevertheless, as you may have already discovered, this is often easier said than done. Cultural differences can make it difficult to develop friendships within the Dutch community, despite speaking the language. Therefore, some expats would rather invest time in making friends with other expats who are more likely to have similar experiences and goals. However, if your partner is Dutch, being able to speak some of the language will probably help you in social situations, and prevent isolation.
3. Will your children be learning Dutch?
If you have children attending a local Dutch school and/or you plan to raise them bilingually, you may need some basic Dutch in order to understand and communicate with their friends. Despite your children also speaking your native language, their friends from school may not. Plus, your own children will most likely at times speak Dutch to each other while you are around, and you may want to understand what they are saying as well as be able to participate in the conversation.
4. Do you have an ‘all or nothing’ attitude towards learning Dutch?
Perhaps you are considering learning Dutch but feel that you need to become fluent or otherwise there is no point. Many people actually hold themselves back from learning something new because they feel that if they cannot do it perfectly then this is embarrassing or shameful. Ironically, most Dutch find that their English is not perfect and therefore do not expect your Dutch to be. Usually, they just appreciate the effort, and learning even a little Dutch can help you in your daily interactons, for example at the grocery store.
5. Is learning Dutch better for you or for the people judging you for not learning it?
Sometimes we do things because society tells us that we should do them, not because we actually want to or need to. When considering whether to learn Dutch, ask yourself for whom you are learning it for. Are you learning it for your job, to go back to school, to be able to understand the nightly news on t.v., or are you learning it because your Dutch neighbor looks at you funny every time you ask to borrow an egg in English?
If you decide that learning Dutch is right for you, then by all means get out there and do it! Taking a Dutch class is a great way to not only learn a new language but to meet other expats in a similar situation. It can also help provide structure to your day as you adjust to life here.
On the other hand, if you decide that it is not in your best interest to learn the language, don’t beat yourself up about this! Only you know what is right for you and what you truly want. If others choose to judge you for your decisions then this says more about them than it does about you. While most Dutch will tell you directly what they think, most will also move on with their lives without a second thought. Only you can determine what you tell yourself about what they think and whether or not you care.
If you find yourself struggling within the Dutch community or would like to learn Dutch but are experiencing difficulties, take heart in the fact that many of us have experienced a similar situation. If you notice it impacting your mood or daily functioning, it may be time to seek professional help so that you can figure out the steps you need to take in order to improve your quality of life. ____________________________________________________
Debby Poort, Registered Integrative Therapist, is founder of Yellow Wood Integrative Psychotherapy Practice. Yellow Wood offers therapy and counseling for expat adults in Amsterdam and Amstelveen. For more information check: http://www.yellowwood.nl
Living abroad with a partner is already hard enough. Now imagine living abroad as an expat who also happens to be single. Not only do single-expats face the typical challenges most expats face, they also face the dating world in a foreign country!
Though some may embrace the single-expat life and see it as exciting and full of adventure, others may struggle with feelings of loneliness and/or isolation. They may find it hard to meet friends, not to mention people that they are interested in dating.
We believe that single-expats deserve to have a voice in how they experience both the positive and negative sides of living single in The Netherlands. Last entry, my co-author highlighted some of the issues single-expat-parents face while living abroad. Now we would like to invite our expat readers to share their experiences living single and/or dating in Holland.
If you are an expat and you are single or dating, and are interested in participating in a short interview that will be posted (anonymously) on the blog, please contact us through leaving a comment or at: expatsinemotion@gmail.com
We look forward to hearing from you!
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Debby Poort, Integrative Therapist, is founder of Yellow Wood Integrative Psychotherapy Practice. Yellow Wood offers therapy and counseling for expat adults in Amsterdam and Amstelveen. For more information check: http://www.yellowwood.nl
With Valentine’s Day around the corner, we’re thinking about love, relationships, families, and dating, and how our expat readers tackle these issues. How do expat-parents, especially single-expat-parents cope with the unique challenges they face? How do singles delve into the dating scene and effectively meet someone with whom they can share their unusual experiences?
This week’s focus is on Single-Expat-Parenting and includes an interview with a single mother of two.
For expats out there who also happen to be single parents, you most likely find yourself in somewhat of a unique experience. As we know, being an expat is hard enough on its own. Being a parent is also hard, let alone a single parent, which brings additional difficulties to the table. Add the combination of being a single expat-parent and you are bound to feel, from time-to-time (or even all the time), overwhelmed, frustrated or simply strung-out.
As a single expat-parent you may be experiencing a constant juggle between raising your children to their highest potential, scheduling time for your job, and finding time for yourself to develop your social network. You may also find yourself experiencing an array of emotions about the responsibilities that you face.
Coincidentally, expat kids who are being raised primarily by one parent also face a unique and sometimes difficult situation. While it is entirely possible for children to be happy and healthy in a single parent home, this situation often presents some special challenges to keep in mind. For example, some kids may feel less supported in comparison to their peers who live with both parents while other children may have mixed emotions about their other – perhaps absent – parent. If your child’s other parent is living in another city or country, this can be difficult for them. They may want to have their father/mother in their daily lives, but proximity makes it impossible.
If you are a single expat-parent, how can you make the most out of your situation so that you and your kids feel happy, supported, and open to taking on your expatriate lifestyle?
Take care of you.
First and foremost, it is important that you make time for yourself without feeling guilty. Your own social life and emotional well-being should be important priorities. Children model the ways that their parents behave and even feel. Your child will not be happy if you yourself are not. Having friends to rely on and to have fun with will help prevent you from feeling alone and isolated as an expat. You are entitled to take the time needed to make friends, and even date (if you want to)! It is all too easy to put your children first while forgetting about yourself. Do your kids a favor and take care of your needs, too!
Be prepared.
Developing a stable support network is especially important as a single expat-parent. Having a plan in place for times when you are not able to be there for your child (because of work, for example) can be a lifesaver. Whether you choose family, friends, or neighbors as your backup. it is important to be ready for unforeseen circumstances. Changes in your lifestyle (moving, newly dating, etc.) will likely bring up some un-planned scenarios. By being prepared, you will ensure that your child’s safety is accounted for, and that their emotional health is supported, while giving you peace of mind.
As always, talk with your children.
Listen to what they are saying about difficulties they may be encountering, or any frustration they are experiencing. Be there for your children through acknowledging and validating their struggle. Watch out for any sudden behavioral changes that may be the result of an unexpected or sudden life transition. Through listening and communicating, both verbally and non-verbally (a hug in their time of need can go a long way), you will let your kids know that they are supported and understood, and that you are there for them first and foremost.
Bottom line: Being a single expat-parent does not have to define your life or who you are as a parent. Whether you are a single parent because you divorced, have been widowed, or you’ve never been married, there are resources out there to help you. Remember, you are not alone and there are others in your community who are in a similar situation.
To help our readers gain further perspective about the trials and tribulations that single expat-parents go through, I interviewed Sue* who faces daily challenges while raising her two children as a single mom, in her non-native country.
Q: How many children do you have, and what are their ages?
A: I have two daughters, ages four, and five and a half.
Q: What are the most difficult aspects you face being a single expat-parent?
A: Working four days a week, living in a small Dutch village, not speaking the language very well and not having any family in the Netherlands. I do not have someone to talk to about what I’ve done on a daily basis and someone who will understand and appreciate how much I run around like a madwomen every day! I feel like I am being stretched emotionally everyday – it’s a rollercoaster ride from the minute that I wake to the minute that I go to sleep. I have to make lists every minute so I don’t forget anything (i.e., what activities the girls have; remember to sort out your life insurance; buy toilet paper; what issue at work that I have to deal with that day; replace water in the car windscreen wipers; buy mascara etc.).
Making friends is also very hard. If you try to make friends with women who already have children they are 99.9% likely to be in a couple. I’ve realized that you are more likely to make friends in these social circles if you already have a partner … I’ve even been to parties and made up stories that I have a partner at home!
If you try to make friends with women who don’t have children they don’t seem to realize that you can’t easily ditch the children and go out on the town whenever the mood takes you. If you do go out, it’s an extra hassle finding a babysitter, driving to meet everyone, and not being able to stay over at their house. It’s also difficult meeting men and trying not to mention the fact that you have children, just so that they won’ run a mile in the first 2 minutes!
Q: How do you make time for yourself? And whom do you rely on when you can’t be there for your kids, or when you need time on your own?
A: I joined a Pilates and Yoga class to try and make friends and have time for myself. I do enjoy it, but find that it is more rushing around. I feel that taking time out for myself is an indulgence rather than a necessity, and something that that makes me feel guilty when I take it. My brain forces me to do it (and I do feel a sense of relief when I have a couple of days away when I have to travel with work), but if my heart ruled my head I would be with my girls all of the time – nurturing them and showing them everything exciting about life!
I am fortunate enough to have had live-in au-pairs, who help me a lot (they work four days a week while I go to work). I needed the help. The au-pairs usually last about six months, after which they move onto their next adventure. My girls are now used to different au pairs coming in and out of their lives, but we stay in touch with some of them via Facebook. The difficulty is juggling how you swap from managing people at work to managing your au pair at home (since you do live with them!). Also the entire process of choosing the au-pair is complicated. Usually desperation and panic kick in, and I am forced to decide fast – so far I have been lucky.
The worst time is when I am sick. I don’t call anyone to come and help me since I always feel that everyone is already busy with their own lives. It’s usually when the au-pair has a day or weekend off, and she is out or away all weekend. That’s when it’s really tough. The girls are still dependent on me and I feel bad for not being able to entertain them.
Q: How you prioritize your roles and responsibilities as a single expat-parent?
A: My main priority is to keep a roof over my girls’ head and ensure that they are OK – everything else is secondary.
Since the girls are getting older now and are becoming more independent, I realize that I can start to look at other areas of my life to change. I am actively thinking how to do this, and have recently had a session with a life coach to kick start this process!
Q: Do you have contact with your child’s other parent? And if so, where is he/she located?
A: We have not seen their father for a year and a half now. Although we agreed that the split was to be amicable, he did not see the girls frequently when he left the house, and eventually he told them that he would never see them again – that was the day before my eldest daughter’s 4th birthday. Then left me to pick up the pieces while he literally vanished.
It’s difficult to not be in touch with his family, and I think it is horrible how they have abandoned my girls in this way. At times I have tried to reach out to them; however as far as I am concerned, my job is to protect my girls from any further upset and try and maintain as much stability around them as possible.
Q: As an expat, how do you stay connected with your “home,” family and friends?
A: I have been an expat for ten years now, so am used to not being around my family and friends. I stay in touch by calling everyone, and I go back to visit two or three times a year. My mum also comes here to visit us about two times each year. I love to see my friends on the rare occasions that I can- it’s great to chat properly without feeling that they will judge you, since they have known you for many years now and know you for the person that you used to be (and not the situation that you currently find yourself in). I hope to establish these kinds of friendships over here with some new friends in the future.
Q: How do you raise your children bi-culturally, incorporating their native culture with their life in the Netherlands?
A: Since the girls were born in Holland and have always been in the Dutch childcare system (from three months old), they “are” Dutch. We attend Dutch events and take Dutch lessons. I also try to expose the girls to other nationalities as much as possible by attending events at the American School of Den Haag or other expat-events where they can learn about children from other parts of the globe. Having worked and lived in international environments for over 10 years now I realize that it is crucial to be able to mix with people from other nationalities and there is so much to learn from other cultures.
Q: What are some fun activities that you do with your kids, and on your own as an expat?
A: We dance to You Tube videos every Saturday morning, have breakfast together and chat about our dreams. Reading bedtime stories and going to the beach are my favorite activities to do with the girls.
I also love to take the girls to expat school events (i.e., plays, musical and sporting events, etc.) – where I can also relate to the parents around me – but mainly I find that these events are not publicized very well and are often hard to find out about.
Q: What are the most rewarding aspects of being a single expat-parent?
A: I can do what I want when I want with the girls, and can explore a new life for us all with no restraints.
Q: Do you know of any resources out there for single expat-parents, like you?
A: None what-so-ever, which is such a shame.
When the girls’ father left I went to see a child psychologist (to give me support and see how affected the girls were with their father’s sudden departure). I understood from her that she had a quite a few clients who were single expat-mums, and that this trend was unfortunately on the rise. At the time I asked her to have a coffee morning to try and connect us all so that we could create a support network – but this never took off.
Right now I am friends with two single expat–dads, and two other single expat-moms. We get together sometimes to talk about each of our experiences, and how they have been different and challenging along the way. Talking with one another has helped us come to understand ourselves better, and see the kind of parents that we are as individuals, all constantly striving to give our children the best given the fact that our relationship with their other parent did not work out. It is really helpful to be able to talk to these friends.
Q: Finally, what advice do you have for others in similar situations?
A: BE STRONG! Remember that your children will adapt to anything. Focus on the positive things that happens every day and take things slowly. Don’t make unrealistic goals or expectations for yourself. At the end of the day do something that you really enjoy – no matter how crazy it is (I’ve watched Sex and the City so many times over the past couple of years to cheer myself up- especially after the bedtime routine has been disastrous or I’ve just paid my bills and then seen something depressing on the news!). Reach out and talk to people who will understand – don’t bottle everything up!
Sue* provides some insightful advice. If you yourself are having a difficult time being a single expat-parent and feel that you need some extra support, it could be helpful to seek professional guidance, or even to think about starting your own informal gathering for parents like you! Also, if you feel that your kids are having a hard time and you don’t know what to do or how to fix it, you may gain a lot from seeking outside support. Remember that at the end of the day it’s you and your childrens’ happiness that ultimately matters.
Thank you Sue,* for your insights.
Please contact us at expatsinemotion@gmail.com if you have any ideas about starting your own group for single expat-parents, and we can put you in touch with our contributors!
*Name has been changed to protect anonymity.
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Kate Berger, MSc, offers emotional health services for expatriate children and adolescents in the Amsterdam area through her practice, the Expat Kids Club. For more information see: http://expatkids.weebly.com
Whether you and your family have just moved to The Netherlands, or you’ve been here for a while, your kids will have (or have had) to deal with making new friends at some point in time. Making friends is one of the most fundamental aspects of human life, and it is a social skill that children develop from a very early age.
From as early as 18 months, up until the time when children become increasingly aware of their surroundings (around age 3), there are signs that indicate early components of the formation of friendships. One key indicator is the type of play that kids partake in which shifts from solitary to more imitative, parallel play (Jasper copies what Jack is doing) to cooperative, interactive play (Sarah passes the block to Robin). While all kids have the capability to make friends, in my practice I have found that expat kids, in particular, are up against some unique challenges that make the process of making friends a little more complicated.
As an adult expat, you are probably keenly aware of the difficulties involved in making new friends. My colleague, Debby, outlined some key points and things to consider. If it’s hard for you, just imagine how hard it is for your kids!
Kids, nevertheless, have one key advantage: they have a unique ability to communicate with one another without the preconceived notions and stereotypes that adults carry. Young children, not having an extensive vocabulary like older children or adults, rely heavily on unspoken communication methods – gestures, facial expressions, sounds (laughing, screaming, crying, etc.). Even kids who do speak on a more advanced level, are still more adept than adults when it comes to making friends with peers who don’t even speak the same language. The non-judgmental way in which children communicate is one of the most precious aspects of childhood. Their ability to find a common ground for communication – whether it be the comparison that they are both wearing pink shoes, or that they are both playing in a football game - is a unique characteristic.
However, expat children can have an especially difficult time finding that common ground with their peers because language, culture, attitudes, upbringings, clothing styles, interests, etc., can all be very different from their own. Your child may think to him/herself, “I am not like the other kids because I came from somewhere else. I’m ‘different;’ I don’t know anyone. Nobody will like me, I will not have friends, and I will not be happy.” It is painful to see your child struggling in this way, but parents: Fret not. There are some things you can do to help your child feel better, and to make it easier for him/her to make new friends.
You set the bar.
First, remember that your children will follow your example. If you are anxious and hiding your feelings about the difficulties associated with making new friends in your new home, then be aware that your kids will pick up on these feelings and likely mimic them. It is important to keep an open dialogue between you and your children about what is going on. You can set the example by being open and honest; your attitude and actions will make a difference.
Remember that, as always (not just with expat kids), parents play a major role in how kids will make friends, and interact with them. Children copy the behavior of the important adults in their lives (parents/parental figures, grandparents, teachers, nanny, etc.). Keep in mind that by setting a more nurturing example you will show your child how to develop friendships that are considerate and fair. Strict, harsh punishments, negative interactions, and violence will be mimicked in how your kids treat their peers and friends.
Go over it.
Talk to your kids about what is going on. Discuss why they are in a situation where they have to make new friends. Explain why you’ve moved; why transferred them into a new school; why their best friend has moved away, etc. For expatriate parents preparing to move, involve your kids in the decision making process in some way even if their role is minor. Allow them to feel that they have a bit of control even when their lives are about to be completely disrupted.
Acknowledge their struggle, let them know it’s normal, and help them feel supported. Perhaps you can remind them of a previous struggle and its positive outcome. If you have moved before, remind them how it was hard at first, but be sure to point out that after awhile they had three best friends!
Activities, sign me up!
The best way for kids to make new friends, a
t any age, is to be involved in activities with their peers. Involve your child in activities with children his/her age (clubs, sports, play dates, etc.). Try not to push them into doing something that they may not necessarily enjoy (even though you may like playing baseball, Pieter might rather participate in an art class). The Netherlands has many, many playgroups and daycare facilities specifically for expat kids. Check www.iamsterdam.com for some listings.
Prepare, don’t overbear.
You can help your kids prepare for all situations that will come up where they will be with unfamiliar peers. If possible, ask your child’s school to send you a list, ahead of time of the students who will be in Timmy’s class. If you know that a classmate lives nearby, try to schedule a visit or play-date with that child (also a good opportunity for you to become new friends with other parents!) Familiarity goes a long way, and will make Timmy’s life easier when he recognizes Janneke in a room full of strangers.
Teach your kids about positive interactions. Without making them feel that they will be judged by potential friends (no one wants a paranoid child), explain to them how friendship is built upon many things including listening, asking questions, and smiling. Remind them to smile! Smiling is underrated! You can also remind them to be positive in their interactions, to not gossip when they are talking with friends (potential friends will take note; and will not be impressed!)
It is important for you to help but it is at least equally important to let your child take the lead in his/her friend-making. It is far more empowering, and a bigger boost to their confidence, if they’ve done it themselves. It can be hard to stand back and watch Kaley struggle to find the right friends, but it is healthy to give her the space to explore her individuality. That said, if you find that your child chooses friends that you consider a bad influence (especially an issue that comes up with older children, i.e., teen-agers), try to talk about it with your child and figure out the reasoning behind it. Perhaps you jumped to an incorrect conclusion, or perhaps your child is interacting with certain “bad” kids because he/she is trying to fulfill some sort of need.
Is there more? My child is no social butterfly.
Finally, all kids have different personalities and this should be taken into consideration when it comes to them making friends. Some youngsters are more advanced and will seek out friendships (if possible) with older kids. There are also some children, expat or not, who simply have greater difficulties making friends. There is usually a reason. Try to be open-minded and think about what is going on that could be causing the difficulty. Talk with your child’s teachers to determine if something in the classroom is affecting the situation. There could be some explanations why your child would have an exceptionally difficult time making friends, such as personality characteristics (some kids are just more shy than others), bullying or (mild) depression resulting from the new move. There may be more serious concerns such as social skill-developmental delays which possilby require professional intervention and/or treatment (i.e., autism disorder, aspberger’s, selective mutism, learning disability, or a stronger form of depression).
The bottom line is that making friends is a natural phenomenon that all humans are capable of, although it sometimes takes a little more effort for some than it does for others. Expat kids, especially, have unique obstacles to overcome in making new friends. Parents can help out and make it somewhat easier. But it is the children themselves who will have to do the hardest work. That said, having good friends is one of the life’s greatest gifts, so it’s well-worth their efforts.
If you are concerned that something more serious is getting in the way of your child making friends, you may want to seek professional support. The Expat Kids Club offers mental coaching in a group setting, which can be a great way for struggling kids to connect with, and form strong friendships with, their peers.
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Kate Berger, MSc, offers emotional health services for expatriate children and adolescents in the Amsterdam area through her practice, the Expat Kids Club. For more information see: http://expatkids.weebly.com
One of the most common issues that I find expats discussing in therapy is the difficulties they experience with making new friends while living in The Netherlands. The reason is not because these expats are unworthy of friendship – on the contrary, they are some of the most interesting and engaging people around. It also has nothing to do with Holland per se, although the Dutch have been known to be difficult to befriend. It appears that, in general, making friends as an adult is a lot more complicated than it was as a child. Throw in a new culture and a strange environment, and you have a recipe for a lack-of-friendship disaster.
Most expats will probably feel (at some time or another) that they are lacking the close friendships they once had back in their homeland. In fact, a lot of adults who have not moved to a foreign country will also experience this, as people move and friendships change over time, even if you stay in the same place your whole life.
Have you ever wondered what some of the reason’s are for why it is so difficult for expats to connect with other people? Or are you more likely to internalize your struggle thinking that surely you are the only one who is not making friends – and that all other expats are doing just fine? If you believe the reason you are not making friends solely has to do with you, and nothing to do with your expat status, I urge you to take a closer look.
As an expat, you automatically face a challenge when you move here – you are forced to start over again from scratch.
Below are five reasons for why it is difficult for expat adults to develop new friendships.
1. Opportunities are lacking
As an expat you may not know where to begin finding new friends. Your first priorities are probably settling into your new life, discovering your exciting but unfamiliar neighborhood, and developing your daily routines. There may not be very many opportunities during your day for you to meet other people.
2. Time commitments
Meeting new friends takes time, which most people living in the modern world do not seem to have enough of. Time commitments may cause you to put your own social life on the back burner. For example, if you have very young children, you may be overwhelmed by your care-taking tasks, or if you are working you may be too tired at the end of the day to search for social activities outside of work.
3. Differences in culture
Being an expat means you have an obvious disadvantage from the rest of the Dutch population with regards to making new friends, and that is the culture in which you come from. Not only do you possibly experience difficulties making connections with the Dutch, but also with finding things in common with other potential friends (and fellow expats) who may come from a number of different nationalities.
4. Baggage brought from home
If you felt that you never fit in back home, or had difficulty meeting new friends in your past, chances are you will be carrying this baggage around with you here. This negative conviction about yourself can unwittingly sabotage any attempt you have for trying to make new friends while in Holland.
5. Lack of openness
At times you may find that you unintentionally shut yourself off from new possibilities purely for self-preservation. You may have learned during childhood that sometimes being too open or sharing too much left you vulnerable to emotional pain. This is quite common and is one explanation for why adults tend to be less open than young children.
Although it can clearly be challenging and there are some drawbacks when it comes to meeting friends as an expat, this certainly does not mean that it is impossible to develop a close circle of friends.
Below are five tips to help you take those first steps towards doing just that:
1. Join an group where meeting people is inevitable
Whether it means you become a member of a social club or a gym, joining some type of group means that you will have no choice but to come in contact with new people. There are several social groups in The Netherlands designed for all types of expats from all sorts of nationalities. From “Moms and Tots” groups to rugby clubs, there is bound to be something that fits in with your personality and preference.
2. Make meeting friends a priority
Having a friend means having someone other than family to support you during good times and bad. If you have been putting yourself and your need for friends aside because you are busy taking care of everyone else, stop treating yourself this way. Everyone deserves to have a healthy social life, especially the stay-at-home moms with small children and the corporate giants working sixty plus hours a week.
3. Expect little, allow more
Lower your expectations for what you call ‘friendship.’ This does not mean lower your standards for how a friend should treat you. It means that by changing your view on whom or what an ideal friend should look like or believe in, you can allow more people into your life who could potentially be a friend to you. Friends serve many purposes in our lives and the more potential friends we welcome in, the greater the chances become of meeting someone who may become a friend for life. And who knows, your new best friend may be Dutch after all.
4. Discover what is holding you back
We all make excuses as to why we cannot make connections, meet the right people or develop new friendships. Ask yourself what you are carrying with you from home, whether it is the comparison of your new potential friends with your existing friends or the belief that there is no point trying since you will not fit in anyway. Through discovering what is holding you back you can take active steps to not let it keep you from meeting new people or prevent you from making friends with the people that you are meeting.
5. Be open and willing to share
As an expat you have something instantly in common with all other expats in Holland – you live in a country other than your native one. Most expats, despite where they are from, love to talk about the differences they are experiencing from their homeland and/or the daily irritants that go with adjusting to living abroad. Be open to hearing what people are saying and share what you are going through too. There is nothing that brings people closer together faster than sharing a similar experience; that is what camaraderie is all about.
If you find yourself struggling to meet people or to make friends and feel that this is affecting your daily life, it may be wise to seek professional guidance. Feeling alone amongst a world of potential friends is not where you deserve to be. Believe me, there are plenty of expats who are in your shoes when it comes to meeting new people abroad, and they are waiting to become your friend!
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Debby Poort, Integrative Therapist, is founder of Yellow Wood Integrative Psychotherapy Practice. Yellow Wood offers therapy and counseling for expat adults in Amsterdam and Amstelveen. For more information check: http://www.yellowwood.nl
